Size Controversy in Weight Loss - Denial or Error in Perception?
After a 146-lb weight loss, who would imagine I would be having difficulties with accurately assessing my size? Well, I must admit that I do. As I became aware of my perception issues, I began to ask questions of myself, a process of self-evaluation that has been my constant companion throughout my weight loss journey. You see, I fervently believe that one must ask themselves the tough questions, delve into the depths of their being for answers and utilize outside resources to gain a better understanding of our behavior. It is the opening of one's mind and the self-discovery that follows that brings us to the enlightenment that changes our life!
Being able to accurately assess my size became an issue for me in December of last year after having lost more than 100 pounds. As I tried to order clothes online, I had the wherewithal to take my measurements in an effort to order the correct size. Much to my chagrin, the clothes that arrived and were too large. Now, I wasn't upset that I needed a smaller size, only that I was not successful in ordering the correct size. This was the first realization that I was having some difficulty assessing my size. READ MORE...
Having difficulty with the perception of my size was bothersome and I began to wonder just how long this had been an issue? Questions began to flood my mind. Had this always been an issue? When did it begin? How should I deal with this? What did I need to do to gain an accurate viewpoint?
I began by pawing through boxes of pictures to see what I could find. There were relatively few pictures to choose from since I had always managed to flee from the camera. This brought about another question. Why did I flee from the camera? The answer came rather quickly; because, I didn't like my picture taken. Again, the question, why? Quite honestly, because I felt huge and didn't want to see myself in that manner.
The first answer had surfaced. On some type of level, conscious or subconscious, I had been aware that my size was quite large. In running from the camera, refusing to be included in pictures and even getting angry when someone snapped a candid shot, my actions spoke loud and clear that I was indeed aware of my girth. I came to the conclusion my actions supported a viewpoint of denial. The old saying, "out of sight, out of mind", now found its way to my consciousness. It was accompanied by a mental picture of an ostrich who stuck his head in the sand. Could this be how I managed to blossom to 330-lbs? Mostly likely, that denial played a huge part. I had apparently put reality on hold.
In discussing this with my daughter, a most loving and supportive young woman, she gently told me that she and her husband had discussed my ever-increasing size on one of my trips to their home. They had taken a picture of me and Camrin in their recliner and had realized that I was having trouble fitting into the width of the chair. Now, this came as news to me! I didn't recall difficulty fitting in the chair nor did I recall that a picture had been taken. Mikki warned me the picture was not flattering but offered to share it with me. With so few pictures in existence, and being unaware of the incident, I asked her to send it to me.
This picture made me cry and I am sharing it with you now to tell you of the extreme heartache I felt as well as the exuberant joy I experienced in July of last year. It is most difficult to bare this much of me publically but I do so in the hopes of increasing your awareness of your own reality and the need to lift our heads from the sand and see us as we are. That reality can be empowering to bring us to change.
In this picture, my little grandson wanted only to be close to his Grandma Nae. He did not judge me or love me any less for my size; Camrin merely wanted to sit on my lap and snuggle. The truth, as seen in this picture, is that there was no room on my lap for him. The mounds of fat that I possessed from emotional eating had extended my stomach to reach halfway to my knees. Any effort to have him sit on my lap brought pain to my tummy and was uncomfortable for him. The only way Camrin could be close was to sit off to the side of me, basically on the arm of the chair since my size encompassed the entire chair, and drape his little body around me. For him, it must have been like laying on a giant beach ball.
How in the world had I been so blind? How could I have been in such denial? That very denial had allowed me to eat to excess, indulge in candy and ice cream without regard for the consequences.
Here is Webster's definition of denial: 1: refusal to satisfy a request or desire2 a (1): refusal to admit the truth or reality (as of a statement or charge) (2): assertion that an allegation is false b: refusal to acknowledge a person or a thing : disavowal3: the opposing by the defendant of an allegation of the opposite party in a lawsuit4: self-denial5: negation in logic6: a psychological defense mechanism in which confrontation with a personal problem or with reality is avoided by denying the existence of the problem or reality— in denial : refusing to admit the truth or reality of something unpleasant
My advice? Get out the camera and take some pictures. Stand naked in front of a mirror and look at yourself, and I mean truly look at yourself. Get to know the creases in your skin, the folds of fat and enlighten yourself as to your size. A blogger friend of mine, Muata Kambide, also had this realization and provides advice here. While his blog speaks mainly to the average Joe male population, and does so by utilizing straight talk in a self-proclaimed black barbershop style, much of what he shares can benefit all of us on this journey.
That said, do not hate yourself for where you are. Part of my journey included having to make peace with my size in just such a manner. I learned to stop hating my tummy and to realize my body was a God given vessel that I simply had not taken care of. My trunk, limbs and organs had served me well and had valiantly done their part even under the strain of being twice the size I should be. Looking in the mirror that day, I learned to marvel at the wonder of our existence and the function of each part of me that sustained life and provided mobility. I also forgave myself for having not taken care of me and vowed to address the issue, change my behavior and take better care of the one and only body that had been entrusted to me.
Now, I told you there was also exuberant joy and I will now share that with you. Last year I attended the dance recital for my very talented and agile granddaughter. Kaleigh has a natural gift to dance and it is her passion. Arriving and being seated a minute before the performance began, I watched the first half of the recital in awe her abilities, the level of difficulty of her routines, the ease in which she performed them and the sheer beauty and gracefulness of her dances.
My joy was doubled throughout the second half of the recital. You see, Camrin had come running up the aisle at intermission to see his Grandma Nae. He was so excited he immediatley crawled over the back of my seat to land on my lap with the loving hugs that only a grandchild can give. My heart was warmed by his outpouring of love. However, as the second half of the recital started, I realized Camrin was going to remain firmly planted on my lap throughout the remainder of the performance. When it dawned on me that it did not hurt my tummy and that he was comfortable enough to remain there, tears of joy silently streamed down my face.
At last, the true joy of losing the weight had come to fruition. My grandson could sit on my lap and love his grandma and I could enjoy and let my heart overflow with warmth and love as I wrapped my arms around him. The fact that my health had improved and that I would most likely live longer also entered my mind and I rejoiced that I had chosen this path for myself, for my grandchildren, my daughter and all the others in my life who I so loved.
Here's a picture of a my sister and me taken at a family reunion about a month ago. As you can see, there is now ample room on my lap for my grandchildren. And, I am no longer afraid of having my picture taken. I'd have posted a picture with Camrin but he lives about four hours away. Trust me, the next time I visit, I'll gladly hold him on my lap and take some pictures!
Having an accurate mental picture of my true size, while better, still remains a mystery to me. In losing such a vast amount of weight, and being 19-lbs away from being half of me, it is no longer denial that plagues me but perception. Add to this my recent surgery that removed 12-lbs of excess skin from my tummy and the resculpturing that occurred, it is the mental imagine and the capacity for comprehension that has not kept up with the changes in my size. In researching this and in talking to my surgeon, it is a normal occurrence. It will take time, perhaps 6 months to a year, to have my perception catch up to reality.
During this period of time, I must rely on the opinion of trusted friends, family and medical professionals to help me evaluate and understand my size. The store clerks at Coldwater Creek have been immensely instrumental in assisting with clothing sizes and choices and are teaching me the finer points of an outfit that fits well and the size that I should be wearing. By the way, it is now a size 14, down from a 30-32. This is the same advice I would give to someone with anorexia, which can be developed after a huge weight loss. Do not rely on your mental image at this point, rely on the perception of a vast majority of people who have your best interest at heart.
In conclusion, take pictures, get to know your real size, make choices and move forward. If you're ready to make the transition to a healthy lifetyle, then do so based on reality and acceptance of your size and where you are. If you do not wish to change this, then do so knowingly and without self-hatred; perhaps you are not yet ready to make this journey. Either way, take pictures, get to know yourself, question the reasons behind your behavior and move forward with your reality and perception in tact. It is your life and your journey and there are countless blessings to be garnered by your determination and success!
Being able to accurately assess my size became an issue for me in December of last year after having lost more than 100 pounds. As I tried to order clothes online, I had the wherewithal to take my measurements in an effort to order the correct size. Much to my chagrin, the clothes that arrived and were too large. Now, I wasn't upset that I needed a smaller size, only that I was not successful in ordering the correct size. This was the first realization that I was having some difficulty assessing my size. READ MORE...
Having difficulty with the perception of my size was bothersome and I began to wonder just how long this had been an issue? Questions began to flood my mind. Had this always been an issue? When did it begin? How should I deal with this? What did I need to do to gain an accurate viewpoint?
I began by pawing through boxes of pictures to see what I could find. There were relatively few pictures to choose from since I had always managed to flee from the camera. This brought about another question. Why did I flee from the camera? The answer came rather quickly; because, I didn't like my picture taken. Again, the question, why? Quite honestly, because I felt huge and didn't want to see myself in that manner.
The first answer had surfaced. On some type of level, conscious or subconscious, I had been aware that my size was quite large. In running from the camera, refusing to be included in pictures and even getting angry when someone snapped a candid shot, my actions spoke loud and clear that I was indeed aware of my girth. I came to the conclusion my actions supported a viewpoint of denial. The old saying, "out of sight, out of mind", now found its way to my consciousness. It was accompanied by a mental picture of an ostrich who stuck his head in the sand. Could this be how I managed to blossom to 330-lbs? Mostly likely, that denial played a huge part. I had apparently put reality on hold.
In discussing this with my daughter, a most loving and supportive young woman, she gently told me that she and her husband had discussed my ever-increasing size on one of my trips to their home. They had taken a picture of me and Camrin in their recliner and had realized that I was having trouble fitting into the width of the chair. Now, this came as news to me! I didn't recall difficulty fitting in the chair nor did I recall that a picture had been taken. Mikki warned me the picture was not flattering but offered to share it with me. With so few pictures in existence, and being unaware of the incident, I asked her to send it to me.
This picture made me cry and I am sharing it with you now to tell you of the extreme heartache I felt as well as the exuberant joy I experienced in July of last year. It is most difficult to bare this much of me publically but I do so in the hopes of increasing your awareness of your own reality and the need to lift our heads from the sand and see us as we are. That reality can be empowering to bring us to change.
In this picture, my little grandson wanted only to be close to his Grandma Nae. He did not judge me or love me any less for my size; Camrin merely wanted to sit on my lap and snuggle. The truth, as seen in this picture, is that there was no room on my lap for him. The mounds of fat that I possessed from emotional eating had extended my stomach to reach halfway to my knees. Any effort to have him sit on my lap brought pain to my tummy and was uncomfortable for him. The only way Camrin could be close was to sit off to the side of me, basically on the arm of the chair since my size encompassed the entire chair, and drape his little body around me. For him, it must have been like laying on a giant beach ball.How in the world had I been so blind? How could I have been in such denial? That very denial had allowed me to eat to excess, indulge in candy and ice cream without regard for the consequences.
Here is Webster's definition of denial: 1: refusal to satisfy a request or desire2 a (1): refusal to admit the truth or reality (as of a statement or charge) (2): assertion that an allegation is false b: refusal to acknowledge a person or a thing : disavowal3: the opposing by the defendant of an allegation of the opposite party in a lawsuit4: self-denial5: negation in logic6: a psychological defense mechanism in which confrontation with a personal problem or with reality is avoided by denying the existence of the problem or reality— in denial : refusing to admit the truth or reality of something unpleasant
My advice? Get out the camera and take some pictures. Stand naked in front of a mirror and look at yourself, and I mean truly look at yourself. Get to know the creases in your skin, the folds of fat and enlighten yourself as to your size. A blogger friend of mine, Muata Kambide, also had this realization and provides advice here. While his blog speaks mainly to the average Joe male population, and does so by utilizing straight talk in a self-proclaimed black barbershop style, much of what he shares can benefit all of us on this journey.
That said, do not hate yourself for where you are. Part of my journey included having to make peace with my size in just such a manner. I learned to stop hating my tummy and to realize my body was a God given vessel that I simply had not taken care of. My trunk, limbs and organs had served me well and had valiantly done their part even under the strain of being twice the size I should be. Looking in the mirror that day, I learned to marvel at the wonder of our existence and the function of each part of me that sustained life and provided mobility. I also forgave myself for having not taken care of me and vowed to address the issue, change my behavior and take better care of the one and only body that had been entrusted to me.
Now, I told you there was also exuberant joy and I will now share that with you. Last year I attended the dance recital for my very talented and agile granddaughter. Kaleigh has a natural gift to dance and it is her passion. Arriving and being seated a minute before the performance began, I watched the first half of the recital in awe her abilities, the level of difficulty of her routines, the ease in which she performed them and the sheer beauty and gracefulness of her dances.
My joy was doubled throughout the second half of the recital. You see, Camrin had come running up the aisle at intermission to see his Grandma Nae. He was so excited he immediatley crawled over the back of my seat to land on my lap with the loving hugs that only a grandchild can give. My heart was warmed by his outpouring of love. However, as the second half of the recital started, I realized Camrin was going to remain firmly planted on my lap throughout the remainder of the performance. When it dawned on me that it did not hurt my tummy and that he was comfortable enough to remain there, tears of joy silently streamed down my face.
At last, the true joy of losing the weight had come to fruition. My grandson could sit on my lap and love his grandma and I could enjoy and let my heart overflow with warmth and love as I wrapped my arms around him. The fact that my health had improved and that I would most likely live longer also entered my mind and I rejoiced that I had chosen this path for myself, for my grandchildren, my daughter and all the others in my life who I so loved.
Here's a picture of a my sister and me taken at a family reunion about a month ago. As you can see, there is now ample room on my lap for my grandchildren. And, I am no longer afraid of having my picture taken. I'd have posted a picture with Camrin but he lives about four hours away. Trust me, the next time I visit, I'll gladly hold him on my lap and take some pictures!
Having an accurate mental picture of my true size, while better, still remains a mystery to me. In losing such a vast amount of weight, and being 19-lbs away from being half of me, it is no longer denial that plagues me but perception. Add to this my recent surgery that removed 12-lbs of excess skin from my tummy and the resculpturing that occurred, it is the mental imagine and the capacity for comprehension that has not kept up with the changes in my size. In researching this and in talking to my surgeon, it is a normal occurrence. It will take time, perhaps 6 months to a year, to have my perception catch up to reality.During this period of time, I must rely on the opinion of trusted friends, family and medical professionals to help me evaluate and understand my size. The store clerks at Coldwater Creek have been immensely instrumental in assisting with clothing sizes and choices and are teaching me the finer points of an outfit that fits well and the size that I should be wearing. By the way, it is now a size 14, down from a 30-32. This is the same advice I would give to someone with anorexia, which can be developed after a huge weight loss. Do not rely on your mental image at this point, rely on the perception of a vast majority of people who have your best interest at heart.
In conclusion, take pictures, get to know your real size, make choices and move forward. If you're ready to make the transition to a healthy lifetyle, then do so based on reality and acceptance of your size and where you are. If you do not wish to change this, then do so knowingly and without self-hatred; perhaps you are not yet ready to make this journey. Either way, take pictures, get to know yourself, question the reasons behind your behavior and move forward with your reality and perception in tact. It is your life and your journey and there are countless blessings to be garnered by your determination and success!
3 Comments:
very powerful stuff! You are such an inspiration to me. I started my journey at 307 lbs and am down to 259 in about 3 months. I have 4 little ones and have the lap issue frequently. I too lived in denial. I see the big picture now and it is so much bigger than pounds. I will return to your blog often. You give me hope!
I have been so angry with myself lately...the cycle to eat has been terrible...I always took good care of my children when they were young...I guess that I just haven't been taking care of me...for some reason...taking care of yourself sounds better than dieting...or losing weight...more than a lifestyle change..It is a true necessity..
wonderful piece...thanks so much
JSpring,
Extremely powerful.. no denial there..
I realize my own distorted perception any time my daughter posts pictures of me on facebook..
that cannot be me!!!!
how come some days I can feel so good about myself.. but then there is a picture posted that takes me aback so very much!!
Denial.. big time.
Here's to my goal.. know what.. this is motivating me even more.
thanks for the blog.. :)
J.
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